It’s kinda jaw-dropping to think back over the past few months. Things that were a year or two ago feel so far away and so foreign that it almost feels like another life–someone else’s life. It’s so odd to look back and see that I called Covid an epidemic in my last post. I was so hopeful for things to be over soon, yet we’ve now gone through two more huge waves with this thing, each one unimaginably larger and worse than the last. Similarly, it’s bizarre to know I last posted while on the cusp of shifting attitudes about life, the virus, and politics. The darkness I was starting to see didn’t scratch the surface of where it all went. As much as I thought I was going to write about life and experiences during the pandemic, I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I didn’t want to be fake and only talk about the positive, and I didn’t want to talk about all the darkness of this world.
I figured I’d be sitting down tonight to write all the details of things that have happened since I last wrote–both with myself and in the world around me. Now that I’m at the computer, that seems pointless and trite. Most everyone I know has experienced the full gamut of emotions and frustrations. Life seems to both be racing forward and leaving us behind as we tend to cling to what “should” be going on right now. In this new normal, milestones and moments aren’t happening as imagined. It feels like nothing will ever be “normal” again. Way too many people seem to be what used to be the fringe–selfish, thoughtless, mean, & heartless. We the people are allowing entertainers (people making money off “clicks” or “views”) to fill us with lies, and we’re ripping ourselves apart. All the while, the majority (I have to hope and believe that is still true) are trying to do the right things and are so saddened by the state of things in our country.
I hope and pray with all of my being that this time I’m writing on the cusp again–on the cusp of renewal, healing, and positivity everywhere. I’ve recently taken a (nearly) month-long break from all social media. It wasn’t to protest anyone or anything. It was to join my church in an annual “fasting” to remove something that tends to be important to me and replace it with some soul-nourishing time. I was all set to join my small group of ladies in fasting (everyone chose whatever they needed fasting from) and in studying the book of Proverbs together. Ironically, the app we were using had you connect with friends via Facebook and my friend request never connected for some reason. I wasn’t going to break my own promise even to “just” go on FB to try and figure it out. I decided to just go it alone.
I enjoy several social media platforms, mainly for the fun and connection with people I can’t see very often (including my college kids). In a time where I see very few people, this was an especially big sacrifice. I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea how hard it would actually be. I walked away on the evening of January 10th and was supposed to return on February 1st. Problem was, I didn’t quite finish the whole book, so I decided I wouldn’t get back on until the reading was done. There have been moments where I’ve wanted to give up. I’ve missed the connections (and the Bernie memes!) and at moments the reading left me frustrated. I’m stubborn though, so I doubled down.
From my reading, I learned to be patient with the repetitiveness of Proverbs. I’ve read the Bible through before, so none of it’s new, which makes it even harder to focus on and not gloss through. Some moments the reading was frustrating (like, did I just read the same chapter twice or are they just copying/pasting phrases all over the place?). Other moments the reading was annoying (like, I don’t need to know about the adulterous woman–that’s not me). But then I settled down. I started pondering a little deeper, like why are we harping on wisdom? (It has to be mentioned 50 or more times in those 31 little chapters.) Desiring wisdom seems like common sense to me, but then I apply that thought to the world around me and see that it clearly isn’t common sense. So I understand it’s harped on because it’s so essential. Even with the adulterous woman, I can see the comparison to so many other things where “persuasiveness can lead you astray”. (I might could write a whole political paper on that one phrase.) I got to the end and loved the “Wife of a Noble Character”. I relate to a few parts of her (not just because she wears purple). I wish I were more like her and it gives me a reminder to strive towards more. My reading reminded me of the importance of humility, grace, kindness, giving, and striving towards wisdom. Bigger than all that, I realized that Jesus’ words were there way back in the Old Testament, spelled out through so many of the sayings in Proverbs–Love your neighbor as yourself. It sounds so simple until you think about how much you love yourself. I move forward working to do better with that simple, yet incredibly difficult, ideal.
As to this crazy world we’re living in right now, I can’t predict what’s next. I hope that people will follow the words of our current President (whether they like him or not) and work towards coming together. Our country can do such great things when we come together. I hope that this virus subsides into something more manageable and less deadly. I hope that we get to see great innovations come out of this historic time period. I hope that our country makes strides towards a place where all are treated equally and anyone wanting to work a full time job can do so–and can live off of that wage. Lofty hopes, I know.
Me personally? I’m so blessed and thankful right now. We’re okay on the big life stuff. I would love to see Alex sing again in person, and I want him to make this summer’s trip to Norway. I would love to see Lizzy play again in person, and I’d like her to get some normal college class interactions. I would love to see Brandon play again in person, and I want to take him on a college tour trip, like I did with the others. I want to be able to go out to a normal dinner with my hubby. I want to go on a trip with my fam, whether it’s the west coast trip we had planned or something else. I want to see all my other family without all the complicated pandemic “feelings”. Most of all, I still want lots of warm hugs.
Love all of you that support my nonsense (and my sanity) by encouraging me to write!
Standing Strength 